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Ranking the scariest mascots in the NWHL

‘Tis the season!

Spooky season is upon us once more, but things are a little different this year for obvious reasons. As if 2020 hasn’t robbed us of enough, now Charlie Brown won’t even be on network television. What a load.

But to get your fix of the frightful, your dose of the dreadful, your taste of the terrible, let’s take a look at the mascots of the NWHL to see whose is the scariest this Halloween.

6) Toronto Six

Why it’s scary: The Six only have a few things going for them in the fright department. Their colors are autumnal. Their team name is a number, and math is generally very scary. A forward line of Six players forms the Number of the Beast. That’s about it.

Why it’s not scary: Canadians by nature aren’t all that intimidating, which works against the Six in this particular case. Also, their main logo features a gold leaf which more embodies the picturesque-walks-through-suburbia side of the season than the fearful aspect.

5) Buffalo Beauts

Why it’s scary: There’s a lot to overcome for this franchise when it comes to eeriness (heh, get it? Erie? Buffalo? Haaaaa). Their shade of powder blue is tame, almost pretty even. Their name is the Beauts, dripping in positivity. But let’s not forget their mascot is a buffalo. You get Krusher and a few of his buddies stampeding towards you? Good luck.

Why it’s not scary: Buffaloes are large fluffy cows.

4) Metropolitan Riveters

Why it’s scary: If a riveter were to snap one day and start wreaking havoc on society, they could probably do some real damage. Riveters were strong to have worked in factories, and while I’m not sure how they’d rig a rivet gun into a weapon like something out of Saw, it stands to reason that they’d have access to a whole dang fighter jet. That would be tough to run from.

Also, Madison Packer.

Why it’s not scary: A riveter is only human. There’s something to be said for the creepiness factor of an animal or entity of some kind. I’m not denying that humans are capable of scary stuff. I didn’t need a pandemic to want to avoid people. But humans lack the ambiguity and unpredictability that other mascots on this list have.

3) Connecticut Whale

Why it’s scary: Getting eaten by whales is a common plot device in pop culture, from Jonah to Moby Dick. It’s hard not to be at least a little unnerved by something so enormous. Did you know that certain types of whales can toss their prey dozens of feet in the air? Admit it, if you’re in a situation where you’re about to be yeeted across the ocean by an orca, you’re scared. Morbidly intrigued, but scared.

Why it’s not scary: We as a society have done a lot of backtracking to make whales appear like adorable, cartoonish creatures to make it seem like we love them and retcon our centuries of abuse of the species. Just look at Pucky, the old Hartford Whalers’ mascot. Or Fudgie. Friendly and delicious, respectively. No mascot that can be described as friendly and/or delicious can really be that petrifying.

2) Boston Pride

Why it’s scary: Have you seen the movie Roar? Lions be crazy.

Black-and-yellow is a solid color scheme, and the logo looks fierce and sleek. Factor in the fact that the Pride have the most lethal offense in the league for context, and you’ve got the makeup of a threatening aura around this franchise.

Why it’s not scary: There’s a way to make lions look menacing. Scar the Lion? Delightfully evil. Bailey the Kings’ mascot? Regal with fangs bared.

Ness the short-lived Pride mascot?

Hahahahahahahaha ohhhhhhhh...Oh dear. It’s just very hard to see this mascot as scary until a new one comes along to wipe this image from my brain.

1) Minnesota Whitecaps

Why it’s scary: Permit me to set a scene for you. It’s a dark, starless night in your neighborhood. You’re meandering down an empty street with not a soul in sight. It’s deathly silent around you, as if the world is lightyears away and the only sound reverberating through the reaches of space is your footsteps on the pavement. You don’t know why you went for a stroll this late at night but hey, at least the autumn air is refreshing. Rather, it was.

You don’t know why, but a sudden chill runs down your spine. You pull your jacket taught, but it doesn’t seem to help. The hair on the back of your neck stands at attention as if to salute the presence of a commanding officer. Clouds above smother the moon, suffocating the light. It’s enough to freeze you in your place. Against all rationality, you feel something in the air. Someone- something is with you.

You calm yourself as best you can, but you know your only solace is to glance behind you and know for sure. You’re halfway through the “see, you were being ridiculous” in your mind when through the shadows, you see it. Some fifty paces away, standing in the center of the road, clad in all black with some strange symbol on its chest, clutching a long curved stick. Motionless. Staring. At you.

You had heard legends. You laughed at the absurdity that something like this could exist. But it’s here. Your worst fear has been confirmed. And the fleetness of your own two feet is your only hope at survival.

With heart in throat, you uncontrollably whisper the name of your vision, entranced by the grinning grim entity which until this moment had remained but a nightmare.

Cappy.

Why it’s not scary: Take it easy, it’s literally just a person with a puck on their head. Sheesh. Also, the name of the team is just lake water. Calm down.

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